This spring break is something I have been patiently waiting on for some time now. Being on a college tennis team has it perks, one being on this break. I had the opportunity to travel to Orlando Florida to play tennis in a national tournament this spring break. Although being with my team and people that I look up to, I wanted nothing more than to be at home. This break has given me time to think about who I am and what I want in this life. Coming home this past Wednesday from my Orlando trip, I have had certain topics swirling through my mind. These topics consist of what I want and who I am; finally I have come to a conclusion.  Sometimes real is hard.

All I want in this life is to be raw and real. I want acceptance, but even if I don’t get that I want to stay true to myself and not be sculpted by society’s idea of perfection. This is challenging. I didn’t grow up as a people pleaser. I have been surrounded by them at certain times throughout my 20 years of existence. I’ve been sculpted and carved into things i’m not, but I always seem to come back down to the ground and find myself once again. I find myself often obsessing over little details; details on myself, in others, in clothing, social media, even personalities. It bothers me to no end when I realize what’s going on in my own head. I believe i’m a hard worker, but my competitiveness can sometimes cast a shadow over my hard work. I get down on myself when I don’t create something better than the next person, or If I see someone in public and i’m not at my best. When I am older, I want to be able to say that I was a real woman with the most honest mindset with not only myself but with others as well. I am who I am, and that’s something i’m coming to learn and accept. More times than I can count, waking up in the mornings and reading the “don’t force someone to love you, love yourself first” on my mirror that I wrote two months ago is not doing the trick for me. It’s just a reminder of something that I struggle with. These thoughts of working harder than the next person and that I always need to be grinding to be better are always in my mind and in my headspace.

So what does one do to keep negative thoughts to a bare minimum?


I think that realizing that people grow and learn at their own rates and we all thrive at different times in our lives is something to remember. Taking a look at yourself and realizing all the things you do have instead of focusing on the things you don’t have. This is the one that gets me. So often we let the thing/things we don’t have  determine how we feel about all the blessings that we do have. It’s hard to admit your flaws, but one of my biggest flaws is that sometimes I’m ungrateful. Sometimes I get stuck in my own bubble and I fail to realize how blessed I am. I think that trying to slow down and not forcing everything to be at a certain place at a certain time in life is one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’m a fast mover, I set goals and if I’m not at that goal in the time limit that I  previously gave myself, I get frustrated.


Slowing down and taking a step back is something that’s hard for me to do, but every now and then I think it’s good for everyone. Do you struggle with these same thoughts? Let me know where your mind is.

National tournament. Singles match.

 

Belhaven University Women’s tennis team on Cocoa Beach.

Coming home to my pup, Moe.

Antique shopping with my nephew, Jace Luke.

A beautiful sunset at home, while reflecting my thoughts on what I want in this lifetime